Flourishing: Embracing Your Journey to a Good Life
Understanding Your Worth
There’s a question I often ponder while working on my book or reflecting on life: How would you make decisions about your future if you truly knew you deserved a good life?
This question is gaining traction, yet many of us don’t ask it. We are often too busy surviving, escaping, and managing life’s complexities. Coming out, seeking a relationship, grieving a past love, navigating dating apps, searching for belonging, creating purpose, and even figuring out retirement can feel overwhelming. Flourishing can start to feel like just another goal rather than an invitation to experience life fully.
These struggles are common. Many lesbians and queer women face them, and it’s entirely valid to feel challenged or exhausted. If you see yourself in these experiences, remember: you are far from alone. But what if we did take a moment to think about them?
The Pursuit of Happiness
In the US, we are promised the pursuit of happiness as our birthright. Yet, many of us get caught up in the pursuit part and forget about the okayness part. It’s understandable. We are taught to chase relationships, possessions, happiness, and experiences. While these pursuits are important, they can distract us from what truly helps us flourish.
The ancient Greeks, particularly Aristotle, had a profound understanding of life’s purpose: eudaimonia. This term is often translated as “flourishing.” Aristotle believed that living a life fully aligned with who you are is the ultimate purpose of being alive.
The Hero's Journey
Thousands of years later, mythologist Joseph Campbell arrived at a similar truth through his studies of myths across cultures. For those of us who seek meaning in our lives, Campbell observed that embarking on our own journeys can lead us to feel fully alive. He called this the Hero’s Journey, or as I like to say, our Shero’s Journey.
Coming out, leaving a relationship that dims your light, facing family challenges, and rebuilding after heartbreak are not detours from life; they are life. Every lesbian and queer woman who has traversed her shadow parts and returned to herself understands Campbell’s insight: aliveness isn’t found by avoiding what is hard or scary. It’s discovered by entering those challenges with awareness and growing from them.
Flourishing Defined
Modern science supports Aristotle and Campbell’s insights. Researchers at Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program define flourishing as “a state in which all aspects of a person’s life are good” (VanderWeele, 2017). They emphasize that flourishing is an ideal. It depends on the context of one’s life, and how we flourish won’t always be perfect. However, it is possible. The project broadly defines flourishing into six categories:
Happiness and Life Satisfaction: This includes feeling at ease in your body, celebrating milestones, living authentically, or simply finding joy in daily moments without hiding parts of yourself.
Physical and Mental Health: This could mean finding a queer-affirming healthcare provider, moving your body in a way that feels good, or seeking mental health support that understands your lifestyle.
Meaning and Purpose: For some, this involves creating a life that embodies your values, such as volunteering with LGBTQ+ organizations, pursuing meaningful careers, or mentoring others.
Character and Virtue: This might involve prioritizing your healing practice, practicing self-compassion, or standing up for your truth when it’s easier to hide.
Close Social Relationships: This includes creating friendships and love where you are seen and understood, showing up as your true self at gatherings, or building a chosen family.
Financial and Material Stability: This means being able to support yourself, live safely, and plan for a future that’s truly yours.
For lesbians and queer women, flourishing interconnects these aspects of life. It may not be perfect, but it brings a profound sense of belonging to yourself and your community. You might notice how you feel uplifted after spending time with friends, or how good it feels to walk with a partner, discussing dreams and plans. These experiences can inspire you to explore what matters to you, perhaps volunteering for an LGBTQ organization or finding a lesbian-affirming dating app.
Shame Is an Alignment Wound
After twenty-five years as a psychologist, I find it crucial to discuss shame in my work. We are not born feeling shame about who we are. Many of us encounter unhealthy versions of it throughout our lives. Before you had the language to express your identity, you made decisions to protect yourself from psychological harm. This often involved observing others and adapting to their behaviors.
Shame can manifest in subtle ways, like the pause after a question at the dinner table or a sermon that unsettles you. You learned to present a certain persona to the world while nurturing another in the shadows.
Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychology, described this issue as incongruence: the gap between your ideal self and the self you present to the world. The wider this gap, the more anxiety and distress you may feel. Growing up, you likely learned that belonging required specific conditions: be this kind of girl, desire this kind of life, love this kind of person, and express your feelings in a certain way. Over time, the acceptable version of you stood between you and your true self. Living like this is exhausting.
Finding Your True Self
What I’ve learned is that insight alone won’t change this. The hidden self doesn’t emerge through analysis alone. We find our way back to ourselves by telling the truth, looking honestly at our reality, and uncovering what’s been stuck inside us. Feelings aren’t objects to avoid; they come alive when we articulate and feel our way into our inner world.
You discover who you are by facing those deep places through therapy, journaling, coming out repeatedly, and having intimate conversations with friends. It emerges when we speak honestly about our lives, allow ourselves to feel challenging emotions, and let someone bear witness to our messy, true selves.
Decades of minority-stress research confirm what Rogers intuited: it’s the hiding, managing, and pretending—not our queerness—that underlies the depression and anxiety many of us experience. The wound is not who we are but the wedge between our true selves and who we had to become to survive in a world that often battles those who are different.
Living Your Truth
Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia is queer-affirming. It isn’t achieved merely by feeling good. It’s experienced by living your truth: owning your values, using your gifts, and refusing to abandon yourself for anyone else’s comfort. Flourishing, in essence, is your authenticity in motion.
Whether this resonates with you spiritually, psychologically, or simply as a truth of existence, remember: your queerness is not an interruption of the life you were meant to live. You are here on purpose. Your same-love attraction or queerness is not an obstacle; it’s part of your design and experience. The love you carry, the way you see the world, and the tenderness built from surviving are gifts that lead us to flourish.
Shame wants us to shrink. Eudaimonia encourages you to bloom.
The Ongoing Journey of Flourishing
Blooming is a process, not an arrival. Aristotle taught that virtue is built through repeated action. We become brave by doing brave things and loving by doing loving things. Healing works the same way. Bravely facing the shame we’ve internalized through an affirmative lens gets us there.
Flourishing is the ongoing practice of developing a life where your inner truth, relationships, values, and daily choices align. It might look like correcting someone who calls your partner your "friend," allowing yourself to be seen on a first date, or saying no to a family gathering where you can’t be yourself.
For lesbians and queer women, flourishing is intimately connected to our relational and collective parts. Choosing a therapist, friends, community, and chosen family that understands and believes in your worth allows you to be fully yourself. We flourish in relationships and communities where we can remain present.
Building Community
If you’re unsure where to start, remember: you don’t have to do it alone. Building or finding queer-affirming community is possible, even if it feels daunting. You might begin by seeking local LGBTQ+ support groups, women’s circles, or book clubs at community centers. Attending events like queer film screenings, Pride celebrations, or workshops can connect you with others who share your experiences.
There are thriving online communities for lesbians and queer women on social media platforms and apps like Meetup, HER, and Facebook groups. Many cities have LGBTQ+ centers that offer resources and regular gatherings. If these options feel overwhelming, start with one step, such as reaching out to someone you trust or following queer creators who inspire you. Community can be built in many ways, and you deserve to feel seen and supported.
Setting Boundaries
Being authentic doesn’t mean exposing every part of yourself to everyone. Sometimes, it means staying connected to yourself and creating boundaries around those who aren’t safe. Setting a boundary can be as simple as saying, “I’d rather not get into it,” or “I’m not comfortable sharing this right now.” Using language like this can help communicate what feels safe for you.
To identify safe people or situations for authenticity, notice how you feel around them: do you feel heard, respected, and able to relax? Or do you find yourself shrinking, second-guessing your words, or replaying conversations? Safe people know how to listen, hold space for your authenticity, and support your journey. It’s freeing to learn how to protect your energy and share with those who show understanding and care.
Flourishing as a Lifestyle
Flourishing is not just another task on our to-do list. It often falls into place when we spend less energy managing, hiding, performing, and abandoning ourselves. We deserve lives where being ourselves no longer requires effort. Each time you step outside your comfort zone, you remind your nervous system: I can stay connected to myself while assessing what is safe. I am allowed to take up space. I do not have to earn my place in the world. My life is mine.
That’s eudaimonia within the presence of you.
References
Aristotle. (2009). The Nicomachean Ethics (D. Ross, Trans.; L. Brown, Ed.). Oxford University Press. (Original work published ca. 350 BCE)
Campbell, J. (2008). The hero with a thousand faces (3rd ed.). New World Library. (Original work published 1949)
Campbell, J., & Moyers, B. (1988). The power of myth. Doubleday.
Feinstein, B. A., Dyar, C., Poon, J. A., Goodman, F. R., & Davila, J. (2022). The affective consequences of minority stress among bisexual, pansexual, and queer (bi+) adults: A daily diary study. Behavior Therapy, 53(4), 571–584. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2022.01.013
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697.
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist's view of psychotherapy. Houghton
VanderWeele, T. J. (n.d.). Human flourishing: An introductory framework. The Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University. https://hfh.fas.harvard.edu/
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