Your Shero's Journey Was Never a Detour

There’s a question I think about when working on my book or thinking about the meaning of life: How would you make decisions about your future if you actually knew you deserved a good life?

While this question is gaining traction, it is not one many ask when they are too busy surviving, escaping and managing the complexities of life: coming out, looking for a relationship, grieving a relationship, navigating dating apps to find the one, searching for belonging, creating purpose, figuring out how to save for retirement, or just figuring out how to feel okay can be so overwhelming that flourishing can begin to feel like another thing to achieve rather than something we are invited to experience.  These struggles are not unusual.  Many lesbians and queer women face them, and it is entirely valid to feel challenged or exhausted by them. If you see yourself in these experiences, you are far from alone. But what if we did think about them?

While the US rightly promises the pursuit of happiness as our birthright - many of us can get caught up in the pursuit part and less settled in the okayness part.  It makes sense - we are taught to keep pursuing relationships, things, happiness, travel, experiences, and don’t get me wrong, they are all an important part of our happiness; however, these pursuits can also keep us intensely focused on the pursuit and less focused on what really helps us flourish.

The ancient Greeks, namely Aristotle, had a bigger word for what a human life is for: eudaimonia.  It’s usually translated as “flourishing,” and Aristotle believed it was the ultimate purpose of being alive: to live a life entirely lived, and I believe this must include feeling deeply aligned with who you are.

Thousands of years after Aristotle, the mythologist Joseph Campbell arrived at the same truth through his cross-cultural studies of myths. For those of us who land at the door of requiring meaning to experience eudaimonia, Campbell observed in his research that courageously embarking on our one’s own journeys can lead us to feeling fully alive.  He put it this way: we get there by consciously answering the call to our own Hero’s Journey, or as I like to say for the women, our Shero’s Journey.  Coming out even when it’s hard, leaving the relationship that dimmed you, facing family challenges, rebuilding yourself after heartbreak- these aren’t detours from your life.  They are life.  Every lesbian and queer woman who has walked through her own shadow parts and arrived back to herself can relate to Campbell’s meaning: aliveness isn’t found by avoiding what is hard or scary.  It’s found by entering them awake and growing from the challenges.

Modern science has caught up with Aristotle & Campbell: researchers at Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program now define flourishing as “a state in which all aspects of a person’s life are good” (VanderWeele, 2017). This program also aptly points out that flourishing is understandably an ideal; it depends on the context of one’s life, and how we flourish will not always be perfect; nor does it fit neatly into binary categories, but it is possible. The project broadly defines flourishing into these six categories:

1.  Happiness and life satisfaction: This could look like feeling at ease in your own body, celebrating milestones such as anniversaries, living life authentically, or simply feeling joy in daily moments without having to shield parts of yourself.

2.  Physical and mental health: It could mean finding a queer-affirming healthcare provider, making time to move your body in a way that feels good, or seeking out mental health support that is LGBTQ-Affirmative and is trained in your specific lifestyle.

3.  Meaning and purpose: For some, this area is about creating a life that embodies your values, such as volunteering with an LGBTQ+ organization, finding a career that brings meaning and fulfillment, participating in social justice causes, pursuing creative interests, or mentoring others beginning their own journeys.

4. Character and virtue: Putting your healing practice first, practicing self-compassion after years of internalized shame, or showing courage by standing up for your truth when it would be easier to hide.

5.  Close social relationships: Creating friendships and love where you are seen, understood, and celebrated; showing up as yourself at family or community gatherings, or building chosen family who know and love the real you.

6. Financial and material stability: Being able to support yourself, live safely, and plan for a future that’s truly yours, including feeling secure in your workplace as your whole self.

For lesbians and queer women, flourishing interconnects these aspects of life altogether: of course, not perfectly, but with a profound sense that you belong, both to yourself and to a community. For example, you begin to notice how you feel up after spending an evening with your friends and start recognizing the deep nourishment that lands inside you when you are surrounded by love, laughter, and fun.  You remember how good it feels to go for a walk with a friend or partner where you feel at ease and talk about life and your future dreams, maybe planning for a vacation or discussing your hopes for a new job.  Later, you write in your journal about these experiences, begin to explore what matters to you, and start to plan: how to volunteer for an LGBTQ organization you feel drawn to or how to find the right dating app that is lesbian-affirming.  These micro-steps: making space for connection, caring for your well-being, showing up authentically, and nurturing your community all come together, over time, as your lived experience.

Shame Is an Alignment Wound

After twenty-five years as a psychologist and through my personal path, I almost always find it important to talk about shame in my work because we are not born with feeling shame about who we are. Yet, many of us are exposed to unhealthy versions of it throughout our lifetime.  Before you had language for who you were, you had to make decisions that protected you from psychological harm and this was often done by studying the way people behaved or perceiving what they embraced. It would show up in the pause after a certain question at the dinner table or in the sermon that settled poorly inside you, their frustrations they took out on you, or in the way a whole culture managed to talk about love without ever once describing yours. Being the brilliant student you are, you learned exactly what the lesson demanded: keep a certain persona for the world and grow another one in the dark.

Carl Rogers, founder of humanistic psychology, described this particular kind of issue as incongruence:  the gap between your ideal self, who you want to be, and your perceived self, who you’ve learned to present to the world. He recognized that the wider the gap between these two, the more anxiety and distress one experiences.  Growing up, you most likely learned that belonging required certain conditions: be this kind of girl, desire this kind of life, love this kind of person and express your feelings in a certain way.  Over time, the version of you that felt acceptable began to stand between you and your true self. And one thing is for certain: living like this is exhausting because our journey through life is built to help us resolve this dilemma. 

And what I have learned after twenty-five years in the psychology field is that insight alone will not change it. The hidden self does not show up through analysis alone. We find our way back to ourselves by telling the truth, by looking honestly at ourselves and our reality and finding what got stuck inside our bodies.  Feelings aren’t objects to avoid; they come alive and start to integrate when we articulate and feel our way into our inner world. You discover who you are by facing those deep places through therapy (talk and somatic), journaling, coming out (over and over again), and those intimate conversations with a friend.  It will emerge when we speak honestly about our own lives, let ourselves feel those challenging feelings, and bravely let someone bear witness to our messy, true selves. 

Decades of minority-stress research have confirmed what Rogers intuited: it’s the hiding, the managing, the pretending, not our queerness itself, that underlies the depression and anxiety so many of us have experienced or still do. The wound is not who we are, but the wedge between who we are and who we had to become to survive in a world that battles with those who are different. 

And this is where Aristotle just happens to be queer-affirming.  Eudaimonia isn’t achieved just by feeling good.  It’s experienced by living your truth: by owning your values, using your gifts, and refusing to abandon yourself for anyone else’s comfort.  Flourishing, in other words, is your authenticity in motion.

The Soul-Level Truth

Whether all of this lands for you spiritually, psychologically, or simply as the truth of your own existence, your queerness is not an interruption of the life you were meant to live because you were here on purpose.  Your same-love attraction or queerness is not an obstacle to your becoming; it’s part of the design and the experience. The love you carry, the way you see the world, the tenderness you’ve built from surviving what you’ve survived: these are the gifts that lead us to flourish. 

Shame wants us to shrink.  Eudaimonia encourages you to bloom.

But at the end of the day, blooming is a process, not an arrival.  Aristotle taught that virtue is built through repeated action, and we become brave by doing brave things, loving by doing loving things.  Healing works the same way.  Bravely facing the shame we have internalized through an affirmative lens gets us there. 

For lesbians and queer women, this is our whole healing journey.

What Flourishing Looks Like in Practice

Flourishing is the ongoing practice of developing a life in which your inner truth, relationships, values, and daily choices increasingly belong to the same person.

It might look like correcting someone who calls your partner your "friend.” Letting yourself be seen on a first date instead of performing.  Finally saying no to the family gathering where you can’t be yourself.  Grieving your ex fully instead of ignoring the stages.  

For lesbians and queer women, we do not flourish only by becoming more ourselves. Our flourishing is intimately connected to both our relational and collective parts.  Choosing a therapist, friends, community, and chosen family that understands and fully believes in your worth so that you are witnessed, mirrored, protected, desired, understood, and permitted to be fully yourself in connection with them. We flourish in relationships and communities where more of ourselves can stay present.

If you are unsure where to start, remember you don’t have to do it alone.  Building or finding queer-affirming community is possible, even if it sometimes feels daunting. You might begin by looking for local LGBTQ+ support groups, women’s circles, or book clubs at community centers or libraries.  Attending events such as queer film screenings, Pride celebrations, or workshops can also connect you with others who share your experiences.  There are thriving online communities for lesbians and queer women on social media platforms and apps like Meetup, HER, and Facebook groups, where you can join discussions, find events, or simply be witnessed.  Many cities have LGBTQ+ centers that offer resources and regular gatherings. If these options feel overwhelming, simply starting with one step, such as reaching out to someone you trust or following queer creators who inspire you. These options can become powerful first steps. Community can be built in many ways, and you deserve to feel seen and supported.

That said, being authentic does not always mean exposing every part of yourself to everyone. Sometimes it means staying connected to yourself and creating boundaries around those who aren’t safe.  Setting a boundary can sound as simple as, “I’d rather not get into it,” or “I’m not comfortable sharing this right now.” Permitting yourself to use language like this can make it easier to communicate what feels safe for you. One way to identify safe people or situations for authenticity is to notice how you feel when you are around them: do you feel heard, respected, and able to relax, or do you find yourself shrinking, second-guessing your words, or replaying the conversation later over and over again? Safe people know how to listen, hold space for your authenticity, and support your journey and process. It is incredibly freeing to learn how to protect your energy and only share with those who consistently show understanding and care, while setting limits or keeping certain parts of yourself private with others who feel unsafe, judgmental, or dismissive.

Nor is flourishing another thing to put on our to-do list. It often falls into place when we spend less of our energy managing, hiding, performing, and abandoning ourselves. We deserve lives in which remaining ourselves no longer requires work. So each time you step outside your comfort zone, you let your nervous system know: I can remain connected to myself while I assess what is safe.  I am allowed to take up space.  I do not have to earn my place in the world.  My life is mine.

That’s eudaimonia inside the presence of you.

References

Aristotle. (2009). The Nicomachean Ethics (D. Ross, Trans.; L. Brown, Ed.). Oxford University Press. (Original work published ca. 350 BCE)

Campbell, J. (2008). The hero with a thousand faces (3rd ed.). New World Library. (Original work published 1949)

Campbell, J., & Moyers, B. (1988). The power of myth. Doubleday.

Feinstein, B. A., Dyar, C., Poon, J. A., Goodman, F. R., & Davila, J. (2022). The affective consequences of minority stress among bisexual, pansexual, and queer (bi+) adults: A daily diary study. Behavior Therapy, 53(4), 571–584. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2022.01.013

Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist's view of psychotherapy. Houghton 

VanderWeele, T. J. (n.d.). Human flourishing: An introductory framework. The Human Flourishing Program at Harvard University. https://hfh.fas.harvard.edu/